Arrivederci 2014

2014 was a year of incredible changes. Some were amazing, some were shitty, but I am thankful for all of it. I'll try to keep this as chronological as possible (no promises).

In 2014...

I had the most successful speech season of my career when I made it to Sectionals in impromptu after not doing impromptu the entire season.

I celebrated a two year anniversary with a boy I loved very much.

I got waitlisted by 3 schools I really wanted to go to (one of them was an Ivy League!) and I got rejected by my first choice (Georgetown).

After careful evaluation, the choice was left to me and I chose to attend the University of Denver.

I had a blast at my senior prom and I looked and felt like a total princess.

I was named an academic scholar at PHS and then I graduated high school. It definitely wasn't easy saying goodbye to PHS.

I took 5 AP tests and I scored a 5 on all of them. This accomplishment granted me sophomore status heading into my first year as a university student.

I traveled to Italy with my incredible family and had the trip of a lifetime. That country is absolutely unbelievable. The food, the drink, the people, the history...gosh, I love it there.

I had to say some very sad goodbyes to some very great people.

I packed up all of my crap, jumped in the car, and headed to my new life out in Denver.

I had my heart broken and I legitimately thought I was going to die. Spoiler alert: I didn't die.

I started doing research in a psychology lab on campus.

I got a job as a sports reporter for the campus newspaper and I was able to interview some incredible athletes and coaches.

I joined CSF and went on an incredible Catholic retreat in beautiful Colorado with amazing people. I've become closer to God.

I got a little too caught up in the college scene and did some really stupid things.

I met a lot of men that taught me exactly what I don't want.

I celebrated my 18th birthday!

I made some incredible new friends...I bonded with a great friend over our broken hearts. I bonded with another over Leonardo DiCaprio and with another over Game of Thrones. We got into some crazy adventures. Lifelong memories were made.

I found the other two-thirds of my Powerpuff Girls. I love my Bubbles and Blossom to the moon and back!

I wrote an article on the rugby team that made the front page of the Clarion! (That's our newspaper...y'all should go read it).

I succeeded in all of my classes and finished my first quarter of college with a pretty decent GPA.

HUNTER HAYES TOUCHED MY HAND!! Yes, that needed to be in all caps.

I had a fabulous and delicious Thanksgiving with my dad.

I had the best winter break ever. It was full of friends, family, rest and relaxation.

I got to see my puppy again after missing her like crazy for 3 months.

I had a fabulous time spending a day downtown with my mommy celebrating Christmas in Chicago.

I had a wonderful Christmas from the very beginning of festivities until the end.

I spent some quality time skiing in the most beautiful place on Earth. I seriously love these Colorado mountains.

My Steelers have made the playoffs! It's time to go get #7!

Oh, and I started this blog!

The worst thing that happened to me in 2014 is pretty obvious. The best thing that happened to me in 2014 is realizing that the worst thing that happened is actually the best thing that happened. I know that probably doesn't make much sense so let me explain a little.

The worst thing that happened was having my heart broken. But ya see, this was actually a huge blessing in disguise so therefore it can't be the worst. In actuality, it was the best thing that could have happened! I am a better and happier me. I am finally doing the things that I want to do. I am finding myself and I am not trying to be anyone else. It's taken almost 4 months (or over 18 years, depending on how you look at it) to get to this point. Believe me when I say I was a complete disaster for what seemed like a very long time. But this is the point of no return, and I couldn't be happier. It is because of this that I know 2015 will be the best year of my life so far. This year will be all about making my life healthier, happier, and more fulfilling. I can't wait!

Obviously so many other great things happened to me this year so I encourage you to read my other blog posts if you want to hear more!

I wish everyone a Happy New Year and I'd like to leave this New Year's resolution with you. I think this is something you could all actually follow:

Be bold, be brave, don't make excuses. If you want something, take it. If something scares you, face it. If you love someone, show it. Be a better you and the rest will follow.

A Belated Merry Christmas

I know I am a little bit late with this...but Merry Christmas! I hope that all of you were as blessed as I was this Christmas. I received some incredible gifts this year. Two of my favorite would have to be tickets to see Dan+Shay in Denver and Beats Solo2 headphones (which are currently playing Dan+Shay). I got adorable new clothes and some fabulous accessories, including a beautiful pair of Tiffany&Co earrings, and so many other fabulous things. I could go on but this blog isn't supposed to be about me bragging about how I'm a little spoiled. Besides, as awesome as all of this stuff is, my favorite part of the holidays is getting to have fun, quality-time with my family.

 I have the pleasure of having two Christmas celebrations with two different families: my dad's side and my mom's side. I guess you could say the festivities kicked off with my dad's family on December 20th when we went up to Milwaukee for a Dickens-themed dinner at the Pabst mansion. I'm not a big fan of Charles Dickens but I am a huge fan of big fancy mansions. The place was beautiful, the food was delicious, and the company was great. It was especially awesome when one of the men in character read a passage from The Christmas Carol in a crazy accent.

The next night, my Aunt Lori, Uncle Ben, and I visited a light display near Palatine. It's four houses (two on each side) that put up a bunch of lights and synchronize them to music. This was my second year seeing it and it is so awesome. It's called Lights on Magnolia for anyone in the NW burbs looking for some Christmas lights.

On the 22nd, a group of us went downtown for more Christmas fun. The plan was to eat lunch at Macy's Walnut Room, but when it took 10 minutes to find the end of the line to get on the waiting list we figured it was better to go somewhere else. No kidding, the line wrapped all the way around the 7th floor and it would have taken at least 5 hours to be seated. After lunch, we headed back to Macy's to see the tree and get some Frango mints before visiting the Christkindlmarket. Unfortunately, it started to rain on our parade. Back at my Grama's house in Des Plaines, I did a craft with my two little cousins...except my one little cousin isn't exactly little anymore since she is 11 and as tall as me, but you get the point. We watched Christmas Vacation too which is my absolute favorite Christmas movie ever. After that, I had a delicious dinner and then a fantasy football nightmare (see "Is This Just Fantasy?").

By Christmas Eve morning, I was touching down in Denver and it was time for the Angiollo (mom's side) fun to kick off. I was so excited to be back. When I got to Uncie and Ash's house in CO Springs, I had to wrap a lot of presents and then the whole family decorated sugar cookies before heading to Mass. After Mass, we had a pizza making extravaganza. It was super fun and insanely delicious. Then we all tried to watch Elf except everyone ended up falling asleep.

Christmas morning was wonderful as usual. I love the way my family does Christmas. We spend all morning opening presents and there is no rush at all. We usually end up staying in our new pajamas until 2pm. Since Uncie was in South Carolina for Thanksgiving, we had Thanksgiving on Christmas too. Dinner was complete with turkey, potatoes, stuffing, corn, cranberries....and sweet potatoes and brussel sprouts but those are yucky and I don't like them. It is also a tradition to play a game after dinner and we take this very seriously. This year we played HeadsUp! which was so funny except it didn't exactly go very well since we were all laughing too hard to function. After our little game, we put on the movie Scrooged with Bill Murray. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's pretty darn ridiculous.

The day after Christmas, the six of us headed up to the mountains. Uncie, Ash, two of their friends, and I hit the slopes at Keystone that afternoon. As soon as I got to the top of the mountain, all I could think to myself was "holy shit I love these mountains" and that is definitely the truth. It wasn't crowded at all and we got two great runs in before taking a short break. When we headed back up for two more it seemed almost empty. It was starting to snow too so visibility wasn't great. I usually stay on the cautious side when I ski just because I am afraid to lose control, but something inside me made me just let go. I flew down that mountain. In sections where I usually go slow, I just zoomed. It was so freeing. When you're flying down a mountain, you literally don't think of anything else. Gosh I love it so much. On the last run of the day I did wipe out pretty bad, but I just got up and flew down the rest of the run. That night we headed over to Breckenridge's Main St. to explore and have some dinner.

The next morning we went to a hill to go sledding. I am a very klutzy person that is prone to injury. On my first trip down the hill, I headed right for a huge bump/ramp. I got some serious air and I landed super hard. I've fractured my tailbone before...it's miserable. Fingers crossed that I didn't break my ass again.

We packed everything up and now I'm chilling in Colorado Springs again. There's only about a week before I have to go back to school. This might have been the best Christmas yet. There was so many fun activities and so much love all around. I hope everyone had a great holiday!

Is This Just Fantasy?

Anyone that knows me knows that I take football very seriously. The only thing (in regards to football) that matters to me more than the Steelers winning is my fantasy team. For the first time ever, my team (lovingly called Troy's Boys) made the championship game. I was projected to win by 16 points! I lost by 4....

My team is pretty stacked with great talent: Andrew Luck, Demaryius Thomas, Tom Brady, Antonio Brown, Marshawn Lynch, CJ Anderson. With a team like this, I should have gone undefeated. There have been some players I have started every single game. After Tom Brady's poor week one showing, I started Andrew Luck in every matchup. He had multiple games scoring in the 30s and 40s. He might have won the award for Troy's Boys MVP...that was until he scored ZERO points in the championship game. Andrew Luck basically crapped his pants on the field. Definitely not lucky at all.

It is common knowledge that the Bears are a really shitty team so I decided to make a bold move that would lead me to victory. Troy and his boys were taking on the Kansas City Chiefs. I had both the Pittsburgh and KC defenses on my roster. I figured the Steelers wouldn't do too great on defense since they have been struggling lately and I couldn't play KC because that would cause to much cognitive dissonance. I picked up the Detroit defense as a free agent when Jay Cutler was still supposed to take the field. I figured he would throw at least 3 interceptions and my win would be solidified through Chicago's ineptitude. Unfortunately for me, Cutler didn't start and Detroit's defense didn't do so great. Detroit only got 5 points. But, my Steelers' D that I love so much got 12. I should have never turned my back on my boys. Let this be a lesson of loyalty to you all.

After Andrew Luck's crap fest, I had pretty much given up on winning...but then BeastMode showed up and restored a little hope. I was still down over 50 points going into the Monday night game. It would be Demaryius Thomas, Emmanuel Sanders, and CJ Anderson vs. Jeremy Hill. I know I put all of my eggs in one basket with Denver's offense but they are seriously good and always high point scores. When Jeremy Hill went off, I gave up again. Then, Peyton decided to show up and I started to rake in the points. Peyton had so many opportunities at the end of that game to help me win. All he needed to do was give Anderson the ball or complete a few more passes to Thomas or Sanders. If anyone has the talent to launch a game winning drive, it's Peyton Manning. But just like Andrew Luck, Peyton Manning took a giant poop on the field.

There were many things I could have done to win that game...I'll never make it as a coach or manager because I make bad choices. Second place it is for me.

What really matters is that the Steelers are about to make a playoff run and if we keep playing like we have been, nothing can stop us. I think we might even be able to get #7.

There and Back Again

I am so so sad that our adventures in Middle Earth have come to an end. The Lord of the Rings films are all complete and now The Hobbit films are done too. Obviously, I'm going to rewatch the movies and maybe even reread the books, but there will be no new Peter Jackson film installments. Last night, I said farewell to Tolkien's amazing universe.

Overall, I thought the final film (The Battle of the Five Armies) was wonderful and it definitely gave me the closure I needed. All things considered, it remained fairly true to the book. The characters were great and there were even some cookies for those that really know the LotR series. I would go see it again right now if I could. I'm going to go through the film more in depth so...

SPOILER ALERT

The movie begins with Smaug burning down Lake-Town. I'm afraid of fire so seeing this in IMAX 3D was pretty darn scary. It was very lifelike. I was a little annoyed that Smaug is killed right at the beginning of the movie because it just felt so fast. Either way, the sequence was super epic. I also think that the attractiveness of Bard is seriously underestimated because he looked absolutely great.

One thing that has continued to annoy me and just kept getting worse was the relationship between Tauriel and Kili. First of all, Tauriel isn't even real. Well I guess none of them are real but Tauriel was created by Peter Jackson not by Tolkien. She wasn't even a part of The Silmarillion. It almost seemed like they were trying to force the Aragorn and Arwen love story on these other characters. At one point Kili gives Tauriel an Elvish stone and says "Keep it. As a promise." and there's the whole thing that Thranduil brings up about how they can never be together because he's a mortal and blah blah blah. Then when Kili dies, Tauriel is crying over his dead body and and Thranduil walks over. Tauriel cries, "Why does it hurt so much?!" and Thranduil says "...because it was real." I love the irony of this line since Tauriel isn't even real. I mean I was sad when Kili died too but this was just way too much.

I thought Thorin was absolutely great. The movie perfectly captured his "dragon sickness" and the complete character transformation. The fact that you go from loving Thorin to hating him, but then you are still heartbroken when he dies just speaks volumes. Richard Armitage was incredible. The scene where Thorin dies is super freaky because Azog falls under the ice and you totally think he is dead but then he floats back under Thorin with his bright blue, White Walker-esque eyes and it is so freaky. Thorin is sitting with Bilbo when he dies and he says, "If more people value home above gold the world would be a merrier place." This quote is almost the same as the line from the book and it was such a beautiful moment. The entire meaning of the novel is basically summarized in this one perfect line. Gold is bad, guys. Don't be greedy.

The character of Alfred was the absolute worst and I wanted him to die the very second I saw him. He is even more awful and more useless in this movie. He doesn't deserve to be acknowledged anymore.

I don't even know what to say about Bilbo besides the fact that I love him so much. Martin Freeman is a total genius and I love him a lot too.

My favorite scenes all involved the little bonuses for LotR fans. When Gandalf is trapped, Galadriel, Saruman, and Elrond come to save him. They battle the 9 Ringwraiths and then Sauron shows up. It's all really creepy and intense, especially when psycho Galadriel comes out and gets all scary. Elrond warns Saruman about Sauron and then Saruman says, "You go. I'll take care of Sauron," which is super exciting because we all know what happens to Saruman.

At the end of the movie, Thranduil is talking to Legolas and says, "You should head north. There's a man you should meet. His father, Arathorn, was a good man but I have a feeling he will be a great man. On the road he is known as Strider. You will have to discover his true name for yourself." I started squealing in my seat because I was just so excited. Aragorn is amazing and that line made me want to go home and marathon through all 3 LotR movies (extended edition, of course).

J.R.R. Tolkien created the greatest fantasy universe of all time (and this is coming from a girl that is obsessed with Game of Thrones) and Peter Jackson brought it to life. The only thing to do next is to travel to New Zealand!

I'm going to end this post in the spirit of Bilbo..."And he lived happily ever after, till the end of his days."

A+ Teachers

Sometimes I don't have very much faith in myself and I didn't really think anyone (besides family) actually reads this blog. After today's trip back to PHS with my girl Amy, I guess I was wrong. Many of my former teachers had some very positive comments about my blog which was a very pleasant surprise. Apparently there is also a link to my blog on the homeroom page of the PHS website! I honestly did not realize that some people out there truly do want to hear what I have to say.

Anyway...

It was such a blessing to return to PHS today. A few days ago, I saw a list of the best public schools in Illinois and PHS was ranked 56th (it would be #1 if you asked me). There was a breakdown of the ranking and the teachers received a grade of A+. You know those teachers deserve an A+ when 6 months after graduation students can't wait to go back to visit because they missed their teachers so much.

The best part about being back at school and visiting all of my favorite teachers was how excited they were to see me. I got so many hugs and everyone was so happy for me. I like to think that I have done them proud.  It was a little weird to be back because everything seemed different. It was pretty surreal. Above all, it is so great to know that I am still loved at PHS. I just hope that the teachers of PHS know how much I still love and treasure them.

Is Home Where My Heart Is?

Being home has been pretty nice so far. It is surely a relief to not be reading about WW1 or writing about mentally ill characters or drawing Lewis Dot Structures. These are definitely things I don't miss. My crazy friends, the cute boys, the hockey games, waking up to mountains, quiet bike rides to class are all things that I miss everyday. I didn't even list all of the things. At the same point, being back in Palatine sure is swell. 

Like everything, there are good things and bad things about being home. It's great that I get to spend time with my mom and puppy, but it sucks that I don't get to spend enough time with them as I would like because I have to work. But, working is great because that means I'll have money! It is awesome to be able to see everyone I have missed, but I wish I had more time to see everyone. Dividing time among people is a huge challenge. It would be a lot easier if there were more of me. I love going back to all my favorite places, but I hate living in fear that I will run into that certain someone that I hope I never see again. Having access to a car is marvelous, but knowing that it isn't actually my car and the realization that I am too broke to afford my own car is devastating. Not being in a dorm room is really cool too because it feels like I have so much space! Yet, at the same time I miss my little tiny room with all of its pictures and "Carolyn" written all over the walls. Seriously, if you want to know me then just take a look at my dorm room. That space is so special to me because I made it my own and I definitely miss my room a lot. Not to mention missing my roommates. They make me nuts sometimes but I miss them nonetheless.

The weirdest thing about being home is not knowing which is really home now. I'll say "home" and be referring to DU and then a sentence later I'll say "home" and be referring to the condo in Palatine. It is super weird having two homes and not knowing which one is home. Are they both home? Is neither home? Is this home while I am here but DU is home while I am there? I don't understand. If home is where the heart is...then where is my heart? I sound ridiculous right now because my heart is clearly in my chest...but seriously, this is troublesome. I guess, for now, part of my heart is here and part of my heart is in 7N. The day where my heart is all in one place will be a miraculous occasion. 

Thank You

I am definitely thankful for the big things in life: my family, my friends, and my God. That's a given. Rather than focus on those things (because that would take forever), I'm going to share some of the little things in life that make me thankful to be alive.
I'm thankful for...
-my puppy curled up next to me as I write this
-the football playing on the TV in the room (even though it isn't the Steelers)
-the fact that I have a warm scarf on my neck to help me out in this Chicago cold
-being back in Palatine
-having Denver to go back to
-having a great job with great coworkers
-having so many pairs of adorable boots because I love boots
-fuzzy socks that keep my toes warm
-getting to see my high school friends yesterday
-being at the greatest college in the country
-making amazing friends at DU that I already love so much
-being a sports reporter for D1 athletics
-getting 3 A- and 1 B+ in my first quarter of college
-the stars and moon because they're pretty
-having mountains in my backyard
-having my own pair of skis
-having enough money to actually go skiing
-anything that has to do with peppermint
-mint chocolate chip ice cream...that stuff is the shit
-Game of Thrones...that makes me so happy
-music..it is so magical the way it moves me
-Hunter Hayes holding my hand for the most wonderful second ever
-Disney giving me hope that my fairytale is out there somewhere
-the ability of the heart to recover from unbelievable heartbreak
-knowing that even though one person stopped loving me...so many have not and will not stop
-and for all the people that actually take time to read this blog

I'm Not Invisible!

Anyone that knows me relatively well is aware of the fact that Hunter Hayes is my favorite singer/songwriter/musician of all time. Last year, I saw him on his CMT Let's Be Crazy Tour and last night, I saw him on his Tattoo (Your Name) Tour. The first time was great but the second time was surreal.

A band called The Railers started the show off and they were a lot better than I expected. Dan+Shay were next and they were super awesome. Obviously they are musically talented but they were also great performers and really cute. But, Hunter was undoubtedly the best.

I am not trying to be annoying with product placement here but his album is seriously amazing. One of my favorite songs on the album is called "You Think You Know Somebody". I loved the song the first time I heard it, but it has taken on a new meaning for me in recent months. The best line of the song is "Don't you understand, do you even care, If you love me like you said you did well you'd still be standing here". This lyric is tough but it's the truth. Before Hunter sang this song, he dedicated it to all the broken-hearted. I may or may not have cried a little bit while he sang it. Maybe. Fortunately, the sadness would not last very long at all.

Hunter continued being super beautiful and talented in every single moment. I'm pretty sure that's just his constant state of being. During a song, he started to walk off the side stairs to the stage. My mom and I were sitting pretty close to the front and we were right on the aisle. She saw the security guards being a little suspicious and she told me that he was going to come over by us. Sure enough, I noticed a small little stage positioned in the seats across the aisle. As he came close I started screaming and I completely lost my cool. He walked up the stairs and I was going insane. When he walked past me, I reached out my hand and he took it! He actually took my hand. It was not just a little *touch*. I swear to you all, it was more than a second. I felt some distinct pressure. And then I almost died because I was so excited. So then I just stood there and watched him sing in his beautiful, angelic voice. He sang "If It's Just Me", "Nothing Like Starting Over" (which also somehow fits perfectly into my current love life), and "Flashlight" (which is my favorite song from the Storyline album).

What comes up, must come down and so Hunter had to head back to the real stage at some point. When he stepped off his little mini stage I was waiting with my hand out...and then he took my hand again! But this time he looked into my eyes and said "Thank you"...I was freaking out too much to say anything but I was thinking "Why are you thanking me?!". I should have been thanking him for grabbing my hand. Him thanking me was completely unnecessary, but that just shows how wonderful he is.

Anyway, I like to think that I'm not really a fangirl. I love his music. I think he is attractive, but I'm not obsessive. However, him touching my hand and looking in my eyes may have changed that. I think I have been sent over the edge. I know I don't have a chance with him. I'm not delusional. I just think he is one of the greatest and most attractive people in the history of the world.

I know that this is going to be one of the greatest memories of my life. I was so excited and 24 hours later I am still so excited. 24 years from now I might not be this excited, but it will still be a special memory.

Some crazy cool stuff has happened in my life. Daniel Radcliffe waved to me in NYC, Ryan Clark signed my Terrible Towel in Buffalo, and now Hunter Hayes touched me in Chicago. I am not invisible to my favorite country star! And that, my friends, is pretty gosh darn awesome.

First One... Done!

Wow, I have finished my first quarter of college. It's surreal. My exams are done, my final paper is submitted. I feel like I just showed up at DU and now I'm heading back to Palatine. It is completely weird.

I think that my first quarter at the University of Denver was a big success. I don't have all of my grades yet, but I think my classes went pretty well. I definitely didn't get straight As but hey, it's college. Getting an A in high school is soooo much easier than getting an A in college. My classes and professors were wonderful. I actually feel like I learned some useful stuff. I had the amazing opportunity to report on my school's amazing D1 athletics. Interviewing head hockey coach Jim Montgomery was undoubtedly the highlight. He is such a nice person and a wonderful coach, plus he's almost like a celebrity to me which makes it that much cooler. I also got to work in a psychology lab doing amazing research. The opportunities I have had are completely unreal.

The BEST part of my first quarter was all the incredible people I met. Granted, there are some people I have met that I would totally be okay with never seeing ever again in my life (my best girls know who I am talking about!). But, there are people that I don't know how I am going to survive being away from for 6 weeks. I know that sounds like an exaggeration but when you live with your best friends and you see them every day, the thought of not being with them for that long is just terrible. It's only been a few months but I can seriously already tell that some of these ladies are going to be my lifelong friends. We've had some crazy memories and I can't wait to see what will happen next.

Just thinking back on all of the stuff that has happened since I've been in Denver seems impossible. It has only been 3 months but so much has changed. I never thought I would be single again, but I am. Oddly enough, I have found a way to enjoy it. I never thought school would be difficult, but it was at times. I got through that too. I didn't think not having my mommy to take care of me would be so sad. It was, but it was also incredible. Freedom is a blessing and a curse. I feel like I have grown up so much. I'm almost a different person. I'm not the kid that I was. College changes you and life changes you too, but I am so happy with who I am.

DU was not my first choice. I wanted to go to Notre Dame for as long as I could remember. Then I wanted to go to Vanderbilt. Then it was Georgetown. DU was always just there in the back of my mind. When I got rejected by Georgetown I was heartbroken. My ex (that is still so weird to say) brought me Ben&Jerry's Chocolate Therapy when I got that letter. A few weeks ago I went to Ben&Jerry's near campus with my new friend. My point is this: everything happens for a reason. I know how cliche that is but it is a cliche because it's the truth. Being a single girl at DU was never my plan. That wasn't what I wanted for myself. But thinking about it now, I wouldn't want anything else. I wouldn't want to be anywhere but DU. I wouldn't want to be anyone but me. I've had sadness but I have also had moments of surreal happiness. I've felt on top of the world at only a mile high. Damn, life is beautiful.

Puzzle Piece

Sometimes I keep these posts light and I'll talk about fun things. Other times, I open my heart to this little blogosphere in the hopes of helping someone that feels the same way as me. It helps me too. Every now and then I get super heartfelt in the writing I choose to share. This post is going to be pretty heavy...but I know I'm not the first one to feel this way and I wish I could be the last, but I won't be.

I've talked about my breakup a lot on here. I know it's been over 2 months and some of you might be thinking "wow just get over it already", but it really is not that easy. I wish it were...but it's not.

Since that all happened, I have been trying to make it better by finding my next great love. It has been completely unsuccessful. I'm looking for it in the wrong places...frat parties aren't exactly a good place to find a relationship. I'm rushing into it...I fall for a guy as soon as I meet him. The number isn't important but there has been a lot. A lot of failed attempts. Some of these attempts last 2 weeks, some of them lasted only 2 minutes. Each one ends in me being sad and upset. It's like I'm trying to see just how much torment my heart can take before it gives out.

You see, it's almost like my heart is a puzzle. The pieces were all in line and fit together perfectly. Then in the first week of college, a big piece of that puzzle got removed, burned, and destroyed. So now I don't feel good. To fix it, I have dedicated my time and energy to finding another piece that will fit. Let's try this piece! Nope doesn't fit...how about this one? Not this one either...maybe this one? Nope not it...This one will work! I know it!...This piece already belongs to another puzzle.... And on and on and on it goes.

To be honest, I'm just exhausted of all of this. I'm trying to play the game but I don't like the game. It isn't fun by any means. I am definitely aware that I am emotional, passionate, fiesty, obsessive, and a little bit crazy. I trust readily, I love completely, I give freely. It is also true that these things about me might cause me pain sometimes. Trust gets broken, love gets lost, giving doesn't always result in receiving. Yet, I am not going to change any of these things. This is who I am. I'm the girl that has always wanted her fairytale ending. I thought I had it. I didn't. Every guy that comes into my life I hope that maybe it will be him. It's not. At least not yet. I am also the most impatient person I know. The best things in life are worth waiting for. That's what I've been told. But I hate waiting.

Back to the puzzle. It was just now that I realized that maybe that missing piece exists in a different way. Smaller pieces fit together to make the bigger one that fits in my heart. Clearly, my family and my high school friends and my God and my puppy and everything else I had before college that still remains with me makes up the rest of that puzzle. But my new friends...the amazing women I have met at this school that I have grown to love like sisters in 10 short weeks...they have come into my life and held me up through one of the hardest times in my life. Together, they make up that missing piece. They say that you come to college to find your bridesmaids not your groom. I may have found some of mine. Honest to God, these girls are all I need right now. I DON'T need a guy to love me when I've got girls that do. Girls that wouldn't lie to me, that wouldn't use me, that wouldn't hurt me, that wouldn't make me feel like trash.

To close this off with words from one of my favorite characters: "They say nothing lasts forever; dreams change, trends come and go, but friendships never go out of style."

No More Excuses

I am actually so proud of myself because I finally started going to the gym again. At the beginning of the school year, I tried going in the morning and it was awful because I love sleep. Getting out of bed has never been one of my strengths. I tried going later at night but by that point I was just exhausted. So, I've finally started going right after class ends for the day. I run home, change, and go before I can make up some excuse.

I'm really proud of this because I have actually taken action instead of just sitting on my ass feeling bad for myself. It's not really a body image issue, although that does play into it a little bit. Since I have been here, I have definitely put on some weight. The Freshman 15 is very, very real. I haven't gained that much weight but I was on my way. It's honestly really embarrassing. I was super angry at myself for letting myself get to where I am right now. There's cookies and chips and candy all over this dorm room and while I would be sitting on my bed doing homework I would just keep eating. It was bad. Then I got to the point where I would look in the mirror and I would be disgusted and angry with myself. The infamous "food baby" never went away. My pants got tighter. I had to buy a medium shirt from Target instead of the small or extra-small I was accustomed too. I started to hate myself for all of this.

Even worse than the body image issue was my feeling out of shape. I am 18 years old. I should be at the peak of my physical capabilities. I should absolutely not be struggling to climb 7 flights of stairs to my dorm room. I should not get winded from riding my bike to class. I felt tired and slow and weak. For being an 18 year old woman living in Colorado, this was completely unacceptable.

I spent many weeks just sitting around complaining to myself (and to others) about how upset I was that I was putting on weight or that I felt tired. Eventually, I got sick of just complaining about it and being miserable. So now I have finally started going to the gym. I spend about an hour there. I run and lift and bike and I leave feeling tired but incredibly fulfilled. Rather than just being upset, I'm doing something about it. I am taking my health and happiness in to my own hands and that feels amazing.

Parents' Halloweekend

This was a very busy weekend! Not only was it Halloween, but it was also Parents' Weekend and Homecoming Weekend. Halloween was on Friday, as you all know. The beginning part of my day was spent doing chemistry. It was super exciting. Then, my friends and I headed over to the first Homecoming hockey game. We were in the front of the students section right on the boards! It was awesome to be that close to the players, some of them are guys that live in my dorm which makes it that much cooler. At one point, our player checked a BC guy right in front of us. The boards shook and everyone was screaming. It was so, so cool. Unfortunately, we lost the game...but it was still fun to watch. After that, the night got pretty lame. My friends and I put on our Lady Gaga costumes and went out walking around. About an hour and a half later, we headed home because everything was pretty lame. Plus, I needed sleep because I was going to see Mom and Noni in the morning.

The next day when they arrived, I showed them my room and gave a little campus tour. Mom was here for move-in but now I actually know the campus so the tour went a lot better. Then I took them to Illegal Pete's which is the home of the best darn burritos and queso I've ever had in my life. There were some on campus activities as well, but as always food was the best part. We had tickets to an event called "Taste of DU" where there were 20 or so food vendors. I had a massive food baby after that, but it was totally worth it.

We all headed to Homecoming hockey game #2. Mom, Noni, and Ash sat in their spots while I headed over to the press box. My assignment for the week was to report on the hockey game and it was seriously wonderful. I love my job so much. Being in the student section is a little bit more fun, but it's cool to be in the press box too because it makes me feel so important. The worst part about the press box is that I can't scream and cheer so much. But when we scored a goal with 54 seconds left in overtime, I threw that unspoken rule away and screamed really loud. The best part of the game came afterwards when I took the hidden elevator down to the locker room. Unfortunately I wasn't able to go in, but I got to speak to the head coach in the hallway outside. I'm a dork so it was like meeting a celebrity. Seriously awesome.

I spent all of Sunday with my family and it was so nice to not even be thinking about school. We went to breakfast and to Wash Park which was very beautiful. After church, we went to this sports bar to watch my boys in action. The Steelers were facing off against the rival Ravens. Anyone that knows football knows that the Steelers-Ravens is the best and toughest rivalry in the NFL. The game was amazing and the Steelers played great. They look so good. And Ben broke another record by throwing another 6 touchdowns! I feel like a proud mama because my boys are playing so well. It also broke my heart that Troy hurt his knee but I'm sure he'll be better soon!

Parents' Halloweekend was definitely a success. I had fun with friends and fun with family. It's true when they say you don't know how much you miss something until it's gone. Being away from my family has made me miss them a lot. Even though it was a short visit, it was a huge blessing. I'll be back in Palatine for a month in a little over 2 weeks!

Still Waiting

Most of the time, I am completely fine. 80% of the time I am completely happy and looking towards the future. 80% of the time, my past is in the past and I barely think about it. But then there are those moments where it all comes back and I just want to lay in the fetal position and feel bad for myself. One second I'll be so happy, just laughing with my new friends...and then the next second something reminds me and I fall to pieces on the inside. I see someone that looks just like him and I almost use the wrong name. I see some picture on Facebook and I'm just a complete disaster. Oh and if I watch that Air New Zealand hobbit-themed flight safety video again, someone better bring me a box of tissues because I will lose it. Yet, it is so frickin weird that as I am writing this, I feel perfectly fine. I'm not sad at all. Basically, emotions are just really strange. I work in a psychology lab that studies emotion and I still barely understand them.

I know I'll be fine...but, I'm still waiting for it to stop hurting. I'm getting impatient.

Rediscovering God

College is hard for many reasons. Obviously the classes are tough and taking care of yourself is tough too. Yet, one of the most difficult things I have been struggling with is staying true to myself. I am in a completely different place with completely different people and it is definitely safe to say that I have lost myself a bit. The details of this aren't really necessary. All you need to know is that I lost myself...and this past weekend I found myself again.

I had the privilege of going on the Catholic Student Fellowship retreat. I have been going to mass on campus since the first week I got here so I knew some of the people. Cordy, my roommate, always goes to mass with me so I had an instant friend in my faith. But aside from her, I didn't really have any friends that were passionate about Catholicism. It is much easier to keep your faith when you around other believers and it is easy to lose it when you are with nonbelievers. I was looking forward to this retreat for many reasons. One: I would be able to go spend a weekend in the beautiful mountains and see the amazing stars at night. Two: I would get to meet people that love God just as much as I do.

This retreat was everything I dreamed it would be and more. On the very first day, I had a great conversation with Father John, our Chaplain. I talked to him about everything that has been going on in my life, particularly the break-up that has been tearing me apart. Father John got on his knee, put his hand on my shoulder, and prayed a beautiful personal prayer for me. I think that was the moment I was brought back to God. The stupid mistakes I have made did not mean anything anymore. All that mattered was the promise I made to myself to make a change and that I realized that God is going to help me be the person I want to be. I had an overwhelming feeling that everything really would be okay afterwards.

Aside from getting my priorities back in check, the best thing about the retreat was the people that I met. From the amazing sophomore girls that lead CSF to our amazing President to the amazing Servants of Christ Jesus to all my new freshman friends, I met incredible people that I pray will stay a part of my life for a very long time to come. God puts people in our lives for a reason and I know these people weren't brought to me by accident. I started to lose my way and my new friends are bringing me back to where I need to be. I could not be more grateful to them for this.

It was so nice to take some time away from the busy, stressful campus life. In our day and a half retreat, an essay or a lab report or an article never even crossed my once. To be able to let everything else go and just focus on God and the people I was with was an incredible blessing. Since leaving Mt. Evans, I feel like I have been on a natural high that hasn't faded. I feel revitalized and just all around happier than I was before. It feels like this retreat is one of those memories that will go down as life changing. Blessed be God!

For Good

This past Saturday I had the absolute privilege to report on DU's first home rugby game of the season. Rugby has become one of my favorite sports, but 3 years ago I didn't know the first thing about it. I stood behind the guys bench surrounded by testosterone and typed away on my phone. My notes were full of rugby jargon: ruck, scrum, lineout, try, conversion...and on and on and on. Chances are, if a friend read my notes they would be completely confused with all the fancy terminology.

 Covering this rugby game brought me back to a different time and place...back to when I was the biggest fan in the crowd cheering on my man's team. The fact that there was a South African man screaming "Austin! Austin!" at the DU game didn't help the flashbacks. I'm going to be honest with you guys, it made me very, very sad. I have been doing well but moments like these just bring the pain back like a tidal wave.

3 years ago, if someone had asked me what a scrum was I would have been incredibly confused. But now the term is something I am comfortable teaching others about. This just goes to show how one person can change you immensely. Rugby isn't the only thing that changed about me. When you're with someone for 2 and a half years and they become one of the biggest parts of your life, you will never be the same. That's just how it goes. It's crazy to think of how many things he introduced me to that I might not have loved otherwise. The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, Game of Thrones, rugby, SourceFed, Macklemore. The list goes on. These are all things I love now because I loved him then.

It is said that people come into your life and change you. I'm a different person now than I was 3 years ago. Many things have contributed to this and one of the things that changed me was my first love and everything he taught me. As my girl, Madi, always likes to quote: "Who can say if I have been changed for the better...but because I knew you I have been changed for good."

I'm just lucky that I got Frodo, Tyrion, and the Haka out of the deal.

Down with the Sickness

I knew it was going to happen at some point...but I hoped that it wouldn't. I have officially caught my first college cold. I don't actually have any idea what it is. Maybe it's allergies. Maybe it's a cold. Maybe it's ebola. I have no idea. Let's just say that I feel pretty crappy. I've tried lots of things to make it better. I've taken Zyrtec allergy medicine. I've had tea. I've had cough drops. I've had DayQuil and NyQuil. My roommate gave me Vicks sticky stuff to put under my nose and some weird throat soothing syrup stuff that tasted absolutely awful. I can kind of breathe out of my nose now so maybe we're making progress. The worst part about this whole thing is that I don't have my mommy here to rub my back. Yeah I'm an "adult" now but a mom is the best thing to have around when you're sick. When I'm sick again 10 years from now I guarantee that I'll want my mommy to take care of me. That's just how it goes. Well I'm going to go back to laying down with a pillow over my face because reading about WWI while I have a pounding headache just isn't going to happen.

18

As some of you may know, tomorrow is my 18th birthday! To celebrate, I have decided to write about 18 of my favorite memories from the first 17 years of my life. Here is my little disclaimer. Obviously I have many amazing memories and I have only chosen 18 of them to tell you all about. If there's something missing, don't take offense because every memory I have is special to me. These are just some of the best. I realize that most of them are from recent years but that's because I remember them the most. I realize that this post is very long but I think it's a great one so I hope you read all the way to the end. We're just going to go in chronological order because it's the easiest.

Also, here's a little name run down. Noni is my maternal grandmother. Popi is my maternal grandfather. Uncie is my mom's brother and Ash is his wife. Lala is my dad's sister and Ben is her husband. Grama is my paternal grandmother. Papa is my paternal grandfather.

1. I have always loved animals (most of the time more than I love people) and in 2002 I went with my dad to adopt a cat. We found the cutest black and white kitty ever and adopted him right away. Dad chose to name him Dweezil. When we got Dweezil back to the apartment he was super freaked out and very confused. It's important to understand that the apartment had a balcony with a sliding glass door. Alright, so Dweezil decided he was going to run full speed at the glass door and bash his head! Then he backed up and rammed into the door again like a little dummy. I know it sounds painful but it was hilarious and adorable all at the same time. What a silly cat, that boy.

2. Coming from the Southwest side of Chicago, my family has always been huge White Sox fans and seeing as my favorite baseball of all time just retired, this memory is fitting to share. My mom got tickets for us and we were sitting right along the first base line. Paul Konerko was (and still is) my favorite baseball player so I made this huge sign that said "We love you Paulie!" and I brought it with. I was cheering and shouting the entire game. Between innings, the boys play catch to stay loose and Paulie saw me and walked over to give me the ball he had. He tossed it to me and this man jumped in the way and took it from me. Paulie stood there and yelled at the guy until he gave the ball back to me. I swear, to a little girl like me, it felt like he had just given me a diamond ring.

3. In 2006, my dog Shelby died. It took a few months but by the summer of 2007 I was able to convince Noni and Popi to let me bring another dog into their home. My mom and I went looking at various animal shelters and eventually we ended up in Naperville. There was this one pen that had two little dogs in it. One of them was a little 6 month old baby girl named Cassie. She was the cutest thing ever and I just had to meet her. My mom and I went to this little room and the shelter worker brought Cassie in. Cassie instantly ran and jumped in my mom's lap. Then she started playing with one of those mouse cat toys. She was so cute and sweet and affectionate and completely crazy but she was the one. That's how we got my little princess and dang I miss that dog so much.

4. Obviously, I am a Steelers fan and I have answered the question "why?" so many times, but I'm gonna tell that story again right now. I was watching the 2008 Super Bowl and they were doing a special on Troy Polamalu and his Coke Zero commercial and I saw his hair and fell in love. It wasn't long before I fell in love with the entire team. As much as they piss me off sometimes (Tampa Bay?! Really?!) I will always love them. Call me a bandwagoner all you want, but those are my boys and my love for Steeler Nation is real. And that 2008 Super Bowl is still the best football game I've ever seen.

5. My mom had always wanted to throw me a 13th birthday luau. In 2009 I turned 13 and we had the best dang luau ever. My mom is the most amazing woman I've ever met and she went above and beyond to give me the greatest birthday ever. Cassie wasn't so sure about the whole thing and maybe that's why she climbed up on the table to eat the middle of the pineapple cake...but that birthday party was amazing and I am so grateful to my mommy for busting her ass to make it incredible.

6. In 2010, it was time to start a new life. Mom and I packed everything up and headed to P-Town. Aside from coming to college at DU, going to high school in Palatine was probably one of the best decisions we've made. It was definitely scary and I was really nervous, but that first night in our own place was amazing. Again, my mom is awesome for having the strength and courage to take that leap to give me the best life possible. Oh and PHS is the best darn high school in the entire country so get lost Fremd. 'Nuff said.

7. A few weeks after we moved into Kingsbrooke, it was time for my favorite man to get married. I was so excited to be a bridesmaid for Uncie's wedding and I was so happy for him to be happy. It also was great that my uncle was about to marry one of the best people I've ever met. If matches actually are made in heaven, these two are the perfect example of God's matchmaking abilities. The ceremony was beautiful. It was the first time I saw Uncie cry...but I was crying way more. Of course, the party was super fun too! Honestly, all I want is a love like theirs.

8.  In fall of 2011, I FINALLY got to visit NYC with Lala and Ben. NYC is seriously one of my favorite places on the entire planet and when we first drove into Times Square with all the lights and all the people, my jaw dropped and my eyes were huge. It was absolutely magnificent. Only picking one memory would be cruel so it's honestly a tie between vodka pizza and Daniel Radcliffe acknowledging my existence. I can't decide which I love more. That was definitely one of the best vacations of my life and just the thought of going back to New York makes me so insanely happy. There's no place like it.

9. The 2011 winter was my second season on the speech team with my truest love, Prachi. We were at the Buffalo Grove Tournament of Mittens and PP and I snuck into the auditorium and ran onto the stage. We broke out into "A Whole New World" and we were just singing and dancing like complete idiots. That moment basically describes our friendship: crazy, insane, and full of love. I love that girl so much.

10. Over spring break 2012, I went to visit Uncie and Ash in Colorado and I was so excited to see them but also to go skiing! I had always wanted to try out skiing and I was pumped. On my very first run down the mountain I was doing alright...until there was a curve. Somehow I managed to go over the edge and slide down this huge hill near the trees. Thankfully, I didn't get hurt. Ash came over to help me up but every time I tried to climb back up the hill I would slide right on down. She told me to take off my skis so I did. I was able to make some progress getting back up the hill but then the ski I had taken off slid all the down. It was absolutely hilarious. We would have made better progress if I hadn't been laughing so hard but it was so funny. Skiing is the best.

11. A few months later, it was my best friend's 16th birthday and her parents were taking Madi and 4 friends up to Door County, Wisconsin. It was so relaxing and so much fun to be with friends right after school ended. We had absolutely nothing to worry about. We were just having fun. The stars up there were amazing. One night we walked down to the beach and stood on the sand just looking up at the stars. It was so beautiful. Another cool thing about that camping trip is that it brought all of us even closer together.

12. During the summer of 2012 (at least I think that was the year), mom and I were on a road trip to visit Uncie and Ash in Colorado Springs. Road trips have always been something I enjoy but this moment takes the cake. We were driving through a storm in Iowa and there was absolutely nothing around. "The Final Countdown" was on the radio and I shit you not the lightning in front of us struck exactly to the beat of "DA DA DA" and it was EPIC! Seriously. One of the coolest things ever.

13. Some kids get cars for their 16th birthday...but I got something even better. I was lucky enough to travel to Buffalo, NY to see my Steelers boys kick the Bills' butts. I was so insanely excited but when Popi led me down to our seats and we were sitting in THE SECOND ROW behind the Steelers' bench I was so happy I started flatout bawling! That moment was one of the greatest ever. I was just so completely happy. Halfway through the game, my Troy got an interception right in front of me. And let me tell you, he is even more incredible in person. Troy wished me a happy birthday with that pick. Towards the end of the game, one of the best free safeties to ever play for the Steelers, Ryan Clark, came over and signed my Terrible Towel. Best. Birthday. Ever.

14. Summer 2013 was such a great summer. My Grama and Papa took the whole family on a Disney cruise to the Bahamas and it was surreal. I'm a tad bit Disney obsessed and I have always had a love for the ocean. Combining the two of them was incredible. I got to spend time with my grandparents, my aunts, and my cousins and it was so so so much fun. I swam with dolphins, I went on a waterslide through a shark tank, I listened to Disney music 24/7, I watched the Blackhawks in the Stanley Cup on the top of a giant cruise ship! Oh and I constantly made references to Titanic. I cannot wait until I get to go another Disney cruise because it was honestly 4 of the best days ever.

15. Shortly after I returned from the cruise, I went to Madi's house to watch the Blackhawks Stanley Cup game with our families. It was a super intense game and watching it with good company only made it better. The 3rd period was so nerve wracking because we were losing and a game 7 would be terrible....but then Bick scored! And then Bolland! 17 SECONDS! I was jumping on the couch and screaming like a fool and hugging everyone. I watch a lot of sports but the ending of that game is unreal...it's tied with Santonio Holmes's game winning grab from Super Bowl XLIII. Completely amazing. Gosh I love the Blackhawks.

16. At this point, Uncie and Ash were living in South Carolina. Mom, Noni, Popi, and I were going to have Thanksgiving at their new home in Charleston. The only catch was somehow I had allowed Uncie to talk me into running a 5k Turkey Trot with him. I had been training pretty hard for a few weeks but the furthest I had run was 2.5miles. I was seriously worried, but I was excited and ready to go. By the time I had 2 miles, I was exhausted. I just wanted to stop and sit down and pass out, but Uncie wouldn't let me. He pushed me to keep going even when I thought I couldn't go anymore. I finished in 30 minutes and although I was completely drained, I am so happy that I kept going. And it is so cool how he always believes in me even when I don't.

17. Junior prom was fun but senior prom was even better. All of my friends were there and it was our prom! We danced all night and laughed so much. Not to mention that I had the most gorgeous dress I have ever seen and that I felt like a princess. Having one last hurrah with my friends, the guy I loved, and the PHS class of 2014 was simply the best.

18. This past summer, I received the most incredible graduation present in the history of the world. I got to go to Italy with all of my favorite people! I was there with Noni, Popi, Uncie, Ash and my mom and it was the greatest experience I have had so far. I am completely in love with Italy and the culture there. It is the most beautiful place I have ever seen and the food is incredible. It was a complete dream come true. I'm taking an Italian class at DU right now because of my Italian adventures. Every day I sit down in class, I hope that one day I'll get to go back to Italy. And hopefully by then I'll know how to say something more than flavors of gelato.

I hope the next 18 years provide me with some more amazing memories!

Crazy

My First-Year Seminar class is called "Literary Depictions of Madness" and we just finished studying One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. We then began discussing craziness in the scope of society and how seemingly normal things are actually pretty insane when you think about it. He had us pick a specific example and highlight a member of society that fights back. This is what I wrote:

I think it is absolutely ridiculous how sexual the world is. I guess I am a bit old fashioned about these things. I value privacy and all that jazz. In the last few weeks, the amount of songs about butts that have become popular are absolutely ridiculous. First it was Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” (which also makes me angry because she ripped off “Baby Got Back”). For some strange reason I decided to watch the music video and it was one of the most disgusting things ever. It has absolutely no purpose. Then it was J. Lo and Iggy singing a song called “Booty”. In case you haven't heard it, the lyrics go like this:

Big, big booty

What you got a big booty

Big, big booty

What you got a big booty

And it just keeps going on and on. There is no point to this, there is no deeper meaning, there is no revelation. There is nothing. I honestly don't care if they sing and right about big butts. Fine, whatever. But it is absolutely crazy to me that this is completely normal. No one questions this. They buy these songs on iTunes (or illegally download them) and they sing and they dance but never do they question. Apparently, big butts are a big deal and that’s what matters.

It doesn't stop with the butts. Sexualized women are everywhere and it has become totally expected. Yet, if you stop to think about this you might just realize how messed up it is to have a nearly naked woman in music videos, on TV, or on billboards.

Mayim Bialik, a scientist, mother, and actress known for her role in "The Big Bang Theory", blogged about Ariana Grande’s nearly nude billboard. She asked questions like “What good does it do for humanity or society? Why do I have to be OK with young women literally in lingerie on gigantic billboards?”. These are completely relevant questions. Sexuality like this might not necessarily cause society any great harm but does it actually provide any benefits either? Bialik received far more heat for her questions than Ariana Grande did for her actions. Bialik was trying to serve as a rational mind that is simply asking the questions that the rest of society is ignoring and she was under fire. Now that is crazy. 

Crazy is everywhere, my friends. Look harder. 

All About That Greek (Yogurt) Life

These past few days at DU have been a craze of rush and bid and pledge and all those other "greek life" terms that I have just never understood. Seeing as I have some friends that have now "gone Greek" I know what these terms mean but the whole concept still evades me. What bothers me the most is that it's called Greek life. I'm pretty sure there is nothing Greek about it, aside from the haze of deltas and omegas and kappas. If there was something that involved sitting around with olive oil and gyros discussing Zeus and all of his women, then I'd be interested. Sign me up for that Greek life.

In a moment of rebellion, my suitemates and I formed our very own chapter of a sorority affectionately named Oiko Omega after the most delicious of Greek yogurts and originally founded by John Stamos. We are extra exclusive, so as appealing as our sisterhood may sound...we are not accepting any new pledges at the moment. Oiko Os for life!

Home

One of the most special moments so far was the first time I called DU home. It didn't seem like much. I was just with a friend and I said, "I'm going to go home now. See ya later." It really isn't that big of a deal...but for some reason it hit me pretty hard. This adorable little dorm room is my home now. DU is my home. It even feels like a home too. Of course I still have a home in Palatine but it's so nice to feel at home here too. I couldn't think of any place I would rather be. When I say that I am in love with this place I really mean it. I still haven't gotten over the beauty of these mountains. Every time I look at them I am so happy. It is so amazing here. Now I finally understand why my uncle and aunt wanted to move back here so badly. I don't think I will ever want to leave. Just the idea that I might be able to build a life for myself here is so incredible.

For awhile I thought that being in love was the best feeling ever. It is pretty great, but I think I am starting to realize that just being happy, in the simplest and most pure way, might be even better.

Oh and to top it all off, the song "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros came on while I was writing this.

It sure is marvelous to be at home.

Four Letter F-Word

I can think of a few pretty good four letter f-words...but FREE is definitely the best of them all. Last Saturday, DU hosted "Pioneer Carnival" which is basically a collection of clubs handing out free stuff. The reason I am choosing to write about this right now is because I am listening to Broadway show tunes that I download with a free code that I got from the Free Fest. Let me just share all the free stuff I received.

-5 t-shirts
-3 water bottles
-a hockey puck
-4 chapsticks
-some condoms (even though I won't be needing them)
-a rosary
-Google sunglasses
-hand sanitizer
-coupons for more free stuff
-candy
-pizza
-ice cream
-a sub sandwich
-an iTunes code for 15 free Broadway hits
-a "Rock of Ages" poster given to me by the Broadway in Denver lady because as soon as I saw the poster I screamed "OH MY GOD THAT'S MY FAVORITE MUSICAL!!!"...I think she had to give it to me at that point

Basically, free stuff is amazing. Keep it coming, DU.

A Drug Called YouTube

I've decided that I am really bad at being productive. I always get my stuff done on time (don't worry mom) but what should take me only a little while usually takes a long time because I get distracted so easily. In my last post I talked about how there isn't enough hours in the day but I think my attention span is definitely a bigger problem. If I'm reading stuff then it's fine but as soon as you put this computer in my lap I end up watching dumb YouTube videos with my roommate. It started out with us listening to Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons which was all good because I was still doing stuff. But then I wanted to show Cordy this "Anaconda" parody video and then she made me watch the actual "Anaconda" video (which is one of the most disgustingly, offensive things I've ever seen) so then we had to watch "Baby Got Back"...then YouTube (being such a good friend) had to offer us a video called "Top 10 videos of the 2000s" so we had to see that because countdowns are the best. Of course Justin Timberlake made the list so that led to watching Lonely Island videos....it was a mess. There goes an hour of potential productivity. But honestly, it's alright because we laughed and bonded and saw some big butts and it was great. Maybe if I hadn't had an energy drink tonight I would be tired and actually want to get stuff done so I could go to bed. I'm definitely going to regret this in the morning but I guess in the scope of things if this is all I regret then I'm doing alright. My RA did tell me once that he has never regretted not going to sleep earlier. Alright kids, I guess maybe I should stop procrastinating so that I can write my next DU sports article (which y'all should read when it posts!) and then watch Big Brother and then go to bed.

Not Enough Hours

I think the biggest reason that college is harder than high school is because of time. It really is such a struggle trying to make everything fit. I want to get good grades and be involved and spend time with friends and sleep...but there really isn't enough time in the day to get it all done. Obviously homework is never fun, it never has been fun and it never will be fun. But, it's something that has to be done anyway and so I do it. On top of homework, I'm trying to be involved in extracurriculars and there is so much fun stuff on campus that I want to do it all (which is completely impossible). I'd also like to have some money so now add a job into the mix. Oh yeah, and I've got some friends that I want to spend time with...that really complicates things. It all translates into being tired pretty much all the time. I love sleep as much as the next guy but you can't exactly do homework or socialize when you're asleep. Of course I'll figure it all out sooner or later...but for now I better go do some more homework so that I can watch Game of Thrones with my friend and then maybe go to sleep at a decent hour.

Boooo

I was gonna blog about the Steelers. But they suck. The end. 

I'm A Busy Girl

Wow has this been a completely crazy week. I'm only in 4 classes (and a lab) but it seems insane already. I guess we'll start with my 10am. My first class is General Chemistry. To get my Bachelors of Science degree in Biology, I have to take 2 years of chemistry. Since I haven't taken any chemistry since my sophomore year of high school I was very worried about this class. Fortunately, Dr. Keith is absolutely wonderful. He is such a great teacher that I am no longer worried about this class. I know it'll be hard work but I'll do well in it. I am a bit more worried about the labs because those have never been my strong suit. I guess it's good that I'm smart :)

I am also taking Italian which I am super excited about. It's been pretty easy so far but that's only because the things we have been learning are nothing new to me. I'm pretty sure my Noni and Uncie taught me how to say "Ciao!", "Buongiorno" and "Grazie" when I was two years old. Maybe that's an exaggeration but I've got this Italian thing down. It only gets hard when Professoressa tells us to do something in Italian and I have no idea what she's trying to say. But I'll get there. And I really hope we have a class period dedicated to the different kinds of pasta.

I am also taking an Honors World War One history class. I know that might not sound super interesting but I'm really excited about it. I love the discussion format and the professor seems really nice. It is evident that she is very passionate about what she teaches. World War One is also something that I know nothing about so I am looking forward to expanding my horizons. I bet it'll be a lot more interesting than it sounds.

Finally, I am taking my First-Year Seminar class called Literary Depictions of Madness. This class will give me the opportunity to explore how the mentally ill are portrayed in literature (and movies too). It deals less with the criminally insane than I would prefer but it's as close as I can get to a serial killer class for the time being. It will have to do. But actually, I am very excited because I love reading and writing and when you marry that to madness I'm sure it'll be beautiful.

So that's it for classes and I know this post is getting really long but there's just a few more things I would like to share.

On Monday I went to a meeting for DU's student run newspaper: The Clarion. Surprisingly, the sports section of the paper is lacking reporters so I was able to be hired as a sports reporter. I am going to be paid for writing! This is basically a dream come true. I get to interview college athletes and coaches, attend sporting events as a reporter, write about it, and get money. Heck. Yeah.

Finally, I will also be spending some time working in a Psychology lab doing research. It's pretty unheard of for a first quarter freshman to join a research lab but then again most people aren't as crazy and ambitious as I am. I haven't exactly talked to my bosses yet to figure out how much of this research I am allowed to disclose to the world (probably not that much) but more details will come if I'm allowed to give them. The point is, there are so many opportunities here and everyday I am getting closer to doing what I love for a living. It's pretty damn awesome if you ask me.

Kumbaya

Today was the first day of classes but I want to keep this post short and sweet. Tomorrow I will post something about all of my classes.

So I'm just sitting here at my desk doing a little homework and listening to this playlist my amazing uncle made for me called "Soundtrack to a Happy Life". As I am listening to this music (which has an amazing power over me) I'm also looking out at the most beautiful sight. Big brown mountains and green trees, bright blue skies and white fluffy clouds. Looking at this, how could I be unhappy?

Football and Jesus

So earlier today I posted something on Facebook that said "Sunday was created for football". I was wrong in saying that. Sunday was created for two things: football and Jesus. I had some great football today and I'm super happy it's back. Being able to watch my Steelers boys in action was so wonderful. They almost blew it but Big Ben just likes to stress me out. We've got a classic love-hate relationship, him and I. The Steelers managed to kick some butt (and a little face too). Of course football was great today but the highlight of my day was church.

 My super awesome roommate and I went to mass at the chapel on campus tonight. It was seriously wonderful. Being in that little chapel was the most at home I have felt since coming to Denver. These last few days I've been thinking that I was alone in my beliefs and morals but being at mass with a bunch of other college kids really showed me that I was wrong. I'm not actually alone in my views. I'm not going to lie, I almost cried during mass multiple times. It was just what I needed and being at mass made me so happy. Jesus is just so great.

It sounds super cheesy but I have to believe that there is some grand plan for me out there. For the last 2 and a half years of my life I have prayed that this guy would be mine forever. That's literally all I wanted. But as the all-knowing Garth Brooks once said, "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." So I guess I'll thank God for my unanswered prayer. From now on I'll just pray for happiness and hopefully that one won't go unanswered.

The Best Kind of Therapy

Aside from writing, music is definitely the best therapy around. Today has just been a therapeutic day in general. I made a playlist of some great songs (that I will be quoting a little bit later on). Somehow just listening to music makes everything better. The lyrics always apply in some way. That's why I love music. All the pictures are taken down now too. Maybe one day they'll go back up but seeing them is just too painful right now. In place of the pictures I wrote some cute little post it notes. Some of the songs were angry songs but I only wrote down the happy quotes. I'd like to share them with you all now. 

"Get happy!"    -"Get Happy" by Bowling For Soup

"I'd rather die than give you control."   -"Head Like a Hole" by Nine Inch Nails

"'cos I'm strong enough to live without you."   -"Strong Enough" by Cher

"It's just too bad...you've already had the best days of your life (but I haven't!)!"-   "Best Days of Your Life" by Kellie Pickler. I added the parentheses on that one. 

"It's just love done gone."-   "Love Done Gone" by Billy Currington

"All the things that break you are all the things that make you strong...some pages turned, some bridges burned, but they were lessons learned.."  -Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood

"Now you're just somebody that I used to know."  -"Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye.

"I'll be alright without you...there'll be someone else, I keep telling myself."   -"I'll Be Alright Without You" by Journey 

"Hold this string as I walk away."   -"Undone" by Weezer

"Let It Go"  from Frozen (obviously...)

The next three are all from the Queen of not giving a shit. I bring you Believe from Cher aka the best BAMF woman ever.

"After all is said and done...you're going to be the lonely one."

"I've had time to think it through and maybe I'm too good for you." 

"I believe in life after love." I know I changed that last one but it needed to be a statement not a question. 

So I know this post is basically just a bunch of song lyrics but songs help you find the words when you can't find them on your own. They've also helped me find my peace when it was lost. 

 

The healing process is difficult but having friends and family and good music makes it a lot better. Having all of you out there to read this makes it even more amazing. Thanks again for reading!

Fool Out of Love

Well I was planning to write about classes, but somethings are just more important. I guess the only way to start this is to let you all know that I am single now. I guess I must seem ridiculous right now because 2 weeks ago I was writing about how we can make it and all that crap. But it's over now. The details of it are not important. The truth of the matter is this was going to be very, very difficult for both of us. If it was for a month or a year, then maybe it would have been different. The fact that we would have to do this for 4+ years is just too much. It's painful but it's going to be the best for both of us in the end...even though right now it sure doesn't seem like it.

I've run out of tears and now it's time to move forward. Your first love is something so special and it can never be forgotten. What we had was special and everyone who saw us together knows that. Our love was real and I will always believe that. The memories we share are priceless and I wouldn't change them for anything in the world. I'm very grateful that our summer ended on a blissful note as well. He's got part of my heart and he'll always hold on to that. I like to believe that I'll have part of his heart forever too. No matter what happens in my future I will always have those 2 and a half years of happiness and love. My time with him shaped me into a different person. I'm better now than I was before.

I think I have finally realized that the best things in life aren't always forever, but that's when you go out and find something else that's just as great.

I would like to thank everyone who took time out of their busy lives to be there for me these last 15 hours. Times like these show who really cares about you and it's good to know that I've got people in Charleston, Colorado Springs, Washington DC, Madison, Pittsburgh, Palatine, and Chicago that really love me.

So I guess all those haters were right. High school sweethearts don't work out and I'm not the exception. But I will always believe in fairytales. There's more than one prince out there.

I'm going to end this heartfelt post with quotes from two of my favorite leading ladies: Celine Dion and Carrie Bradshaw.

"My heart will go on."

"The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous."

Madness, Registration, and Game of Thrones

Hi everyone! This week has been insanely hectic, but very exciting as well. Yesterday we had a lot of sessions about campus life and today was just constantly listening to people talk. I did get to meet my very first college professor today though and he seems super awesome. This professor is teaching my Freshman Seminar class which is called "Literary Depictions of Madness". Today we discussed what the definition of crazy is and who gets to decide this definition. It was a very interesting discussion and I'm pleasantly surprised at how many people contributed to the conversation. It was very different from high school.  I am super excited to see where this class leads.

As of now, this is the only class I have. I still have not registered for classes, but don't worry because that's how it's supposed to go. I have met with several advisors already in preparation for my class registration. Since I have received so many AP credits, I am basically finished with the common curriculum. In a perfect world I'll be able to start working on my double major right away. Unfortunately, those classes may all be full so I'll have to figure something out. The next two days are going to be insane with registering for classes so I have that to look forward to. Yay!

Aside from all the learning information, I have actually been able to have some fun too! I have already made some super awesome friends. Last night about fifteen of us spent 4 hours playing Cards Against Humanity and it was so much fun. Tonight the University was showing Space Jam on the lawn so a smaller group of us went to that as well. I am currently enlightening some friends to the joy that is Game of Thrones. Lots of people are at parties right now but this chick is sitting in her PJs, blogging, and watching a fantasy TV show. That's the kind of college life I'm about!