Thank You

I am definitely thankful for the big things in life: my family, my friends, and my God. That's a given. Rather than focus on those things (because that would take forever), I'm going to share some of the little things in life that make me thankful to be alive.
I'm thankful for...
-my puppy curled up next to me as I write this
-the football playing on the TV in the room (even though it isn't the Steelers)
-the fact that I have a warm scarf on my neck to help me out in this Chicago cold
-being back in Palatine
-having Denver to go back to
-having a great job with great coworkers
-having so many pairs of adorable boots because I love boots
-fuzzy socks that keep my toes warm
-getting to see my high school friends yesterday
-being at the greatest college in the country
-making amazing friends at DU that I already love so much
-being a sports reporter for D1 athletics
-getting 3 A- and 1 B+ in my first quarter of college
-the stars and moon because they're pretty
-having mountains in my backyard
-having my own pair of skis
-having enough money to actually go skiing
-anything that has to do with peppermint
-mint chocolate chip ice cream...that stuff is the shit
-Game of Thrones...that makes me so happy
-music..it is so magical the way it moves me
-Hunter Hayes holding my hand for the most wonderful second ever
-Disney giving me hope that my fairytale is out there somewhere
-the ability of the heart to recover from unbelievable heartbreak
-knowing that even though one person stopped loving me...so many have not and will not stop
-and for all the people that actually take time to read this blog

I'm Not Invisible!

Anyone that knows me relatively well is aware of the fact that Hunter Hayes is my favorite singer/songwriter/musician of all time. Last year, I saw him on his CMT Let's Be Crazy Tour and last night, I saw him on his Tattoo (Your Name) Tour. The first time was great but the second time was surreal.

A band called The Railers started the show off and they were a lot better than I expected. Dan+Shay were next and they were super awesome. Obviously they are musically talented but they were also great performers and really cute. But, Hunter was undoubtedly the best.

I am not trying to be annoying with product placement here but his album is seriously amazing. One of my favorite songs on the album is called "You Think You Know Somebody". I loved the song the first time I heard it, but it has taken on a new meaning for me in recent months. The best line of the song is "Don't you understand, do you even care, If you love me like you said you did well you'd still be standing here". This lyric is tough but it's the truth. Before Hunter sang this song, he dedicated it to all the broken-hearted. I may or may not have cried a little bit while he sang it. Maybe. Fortunately, the sadness would not last very long at all.

Hunter continued being super beautiful and talented in every single moment. I'm pretty sure that's just his constant state of being. During a song, he started to walk off the side stairs to the stage. My mom and I were sitting pretty close to the front and we were right on the aisle. She saw the security guards being a little suspicious and she told me that he was going to come over by us. Sure enough, I noticed a small little stage positioned in the seats across the aisle. As he came close I started screaming and I completely lost my cool. He walked up the stairs and I was going insane. When he walked past me, I reached out my hand and he took it! He actually took my hand. It was not just a little *touch*. I swear to you all, it was more than a second. I felt some distinct pressure. And then I almost died because I was so excited. So then I just stood there and watched him sing in his beautiful, angelic voice. He sang "If It's Just Me", "Nothing Like Starting Over" (which also somehow fits perfectly into my current love life), and "Flashlight" (which is my favorite song from the Storyline album).

What comes up, must come down and so Hunter had to head back to the real stage at some point. When he stepped off his little mini stage I was waiting with my hand out...and then he took my hand again! But this time he looked into my eyes and said "Thank you"...I was freaking out too much to say anything but I was thinking "Why are you thanking me?!". I should have been thanking him for grabbing my hand. Him thanking me was completely unnecessary, but that just shows how wonderful he is.

Anyway, I like to think that I'm not really a fangirl. I love his music. I think he is attractive, but I'm not obsessive. However, him touching my hand and looking in my eyes may have changed that. I think I have been sent over the edge. I know I don't have a chance with him. I'm not delusional. I just think he is one of the greatest and most attractive people in the history of the world.

I know that this is going to be one of the greatest memories of my life. I was so excited and 24 hours later I am still so excited. 24 years from now I might not be this excited, but it will still be a special memory.

Some crazy cool stuff has happened in my life. Daniel Radcliffe waved to me in NYC, Ryan Clark signed my Terrible Towel in Buffalo, and now Hunter Hayes touched me in Chicago. I am not invisible to my favorite country star! And that, my friends, is pretty gosh darn awesome.

First One... Done!

Wow, I have finished my first quarter of college. It's surreal. My exams are done, my final paper is submitted. I feel like I just showed up at DU and now I'm heading back to Palatine. It is completely weird.

I think that my first quarter at the University of Denver was a big success. I don't have all of my grades yet, but I think my classes went pretty well. I definitely didn't get straight As but hey, it's college. Getting an A in high school is soooo much easier than getting an A in college. My classes and professors were wonderful. I actually feel like I learned some useful stuff. I had the amazing opportunity to report on my school's amazing D1 athletics. Interviewing head hockey coach Jim Montgomery was undoubtedly the highlight. He is such a nice person and a wonderful coach, plus he's almost like a celebrity to me which makes it that much cooler. I also got to work in a psychology lab doing amazing research. The opportunities I have had are completely unreal.

The BEST part of my first quarter was all the incredible people I met. Granted, there are some people I have met that I would totally be okay with never seeing ever again in my life (my best girls know who I am talking about!). But, there are people that I don't know how I am going to survive being away from for 6 weeks. I know that sounds like an exaggeration but when you live with your best friends and you see them every day, the thought of not being with them for that long is just terrible. It's only been a few months but I can seriously already tell that some of these ladies are going to be my lifelong friends. We've had some crazy memories and I can't wait to see what will happen next.

Just thinking back on all of the stuff that has happened since I've been in Denver seems impossible. It has only been 3 months but so much has changed. I never thought I would be single again, but I am. Oddly enough, I have found a way to enjoy it. I never thought school would be difficult, but it was at times. I got through that too. I didn't think not having my mommy to take care of me would be so sad. It was, but it was also incredible. Freedom is a blessing and a curse. I feel like I have grown up so much. I'm almost a different person. I'm not the kid that I was. College changes you and life changes you too, but I am so happy with who I am.

DU was not my first choice. I wanted to go to Notre Dame for as long as I could remember. Then I wanted to go to Vanderbilt. Then it was Georgetown. DU was always just there in the back of my mind. When I got rejected by Georgetown I was heartbroken. My ex (that is still so weird to say) brought me Ben&Jerry's Chocolate Therapy when I got that letter. A few weeks ago I went to Ben&Jerry's near campus with my new friend. My point is this: everything happens for a reason. I know how cliche that is but it is a cliche because it's the truth. Being a single girl at DU was never my plan. That wasn't what I wanted for myself. But thinking about it now, I wouldn't want anything else. I wouldn't want to be anywhere but DU. I wouldn't want to be anyone but me. I've had sadness but I have also had moments of surreal happiness. I've felt on top of the world at only a mile high. Damn, life is beautiful.

Puzzle Piece

Sometimes I keep these posts light and I'll talk about fun things. Other times, I open my heart to this little blogosphere in the hopes of helping someone that feels the same way as me. It helps me too. Every now and then I get super heartfelt in the writing I choose to share. This post is going to be pretty heavy...but I know I'm not the first one to feel this way and I wish I could be the last, but I won't be.

I've talked about my breakup a lot on here. I know it's been over 2 months and some of you might be thinking "wow just get over it already", but it really is not that easy. I wish it were...but it's not.

Since that all happened, I have been trying to make it better by finding my next great love. It has been completely unsuccessful. I'm looking for it in the wrong places...frat parties aren't exactly a good place to find a relationship. I'm rushing into it...I fall for a guy as soon as I meet him. The number isn't important but there has been a lot. A lot of failed attempts. Some of these attempts last 2 weeks, some of them lasted only 2 minutes. Each one ends in me being sad and upset. It's like I'm trying to see just how much torment my heart can take before it gives out.

You see, it's almost like my heart is a puzzle. The pieces were all in line and fit together perfectly. Then in the first week of college, a big piece of that puzzle got removed, burned, and destroyed. So now I don't feel good. To fix it, I have dedicated my time and energy to finding another piece that will fit. Let's try this piece! Nope doesn't fit...how about this one? Not this one either...maybe this one? Nope not it...This one will work! I know it!...This piece already belongs to another puzzle.... And on and on and on it goes.

To be honest, I'm just exhausted of all of this. I'm trying to play the game but I don't like the game. It isn't fun by any means. I am definitely aware that I am emotional, passionate, fiesty, obsessive, and a little bit crazy. I trust readily, I love completely, I give freely. It is also true that these things about me might cause me pain sometimes. Trust gets broken, love gets lost, giving doesn't always result in receiving. Yet, I am not going to change any of these things. This is who I am. I'm the girl that has always wanted her fairytale ending. I thought I had it. I didn't. Every guy that comes into my life I hope that maybe it will be him. It's not. At least not yet. I am also the most impatient person I know. The best things in life are worth waiting for. That's what I've been told. But I hate waiting.

Back to the puzzle. It was just now that I realized that maybe that missing piece exists in a different way. Smaller pieces fit together to make the bigger one that fits in my heart. Clearly, my family and my high school friends and my God and my puppy and everything else I had before college that still remains with me makes up the rest of that puzzle. But my new friends...the amazing women I have met at this school that I have grown to love like sisters in 10 short weeks...they have come into my life and held me up through one of the hardest times in my life. Together, they make up that missing piece. They say that you come to college to find your bridesmaids not your groom. I may have found some of mine. Honest to God, these girls are all I need right now. I DON'T need a guy to love me when I've got girls that do. Girls that wouldn't lie to me, that wouldn't use me, that wouldn't hurt me, that wouldn't make me feel like trash.

To close this off with words from one of my favorite characters: "They say nothing lasts forever; dreams change, trends come and go, but friendships never go out of style."

No More Excuses

I am actually so proud of myself because I finally started going to the gym again. At the beginning of the school year, I tried going in the morning and it was awful because I love sleep. Getting out of bed has never been one of my strengths. I tried going later at night but by that point I was just exhausted. So, I've finally started going right after class ends for the day. I run home, change, and go before I can make up some excuse.

I'm really proud of this because I have actually taken action instead of just sitting on my ass feeling bad for myself. It's not really a body image issue, although that does play into it a little bit. Since I have been here, I have definitely put on some weight. The Freshman 15 is very, very real. I haven't gained that much weight but I was on my way. It's honestly really embarrassing. I was super angry at myself for letting myself get to where I am right now. There's cookies and chips and candy all over this dorm room and while I would be sitting on my bed doing homework I would just keep eating. It was bad. Then I got to the point where I would look in the mirror and I would be disgusted and angry with myself. The infamous "food baby" never went away. My pants got tighter. I had to buy a medium shirt from Target instead of the small or extra-small I was accustomed too. I started to hate myself for all of this.

Even worse than the body image issue was my feeling out of shape. I am 18 years old. I should be at the peak of my physical capabilities. I should absolutely not be struggling to climb 7 flights of stairs to my dorm room. I should not get winded from riding my bike to class. I felt tired and slow and weak. For being an 18 year old woman living in Colorado, this was completely unacceptable.

I spent many weeks just sitting around complaining to myself (and to others) about how upset I was that I was putting on weight or that I felt tired. Eventually, I got sick of just complaining about it and being miserable. So now I have finally started going to the gym. I spend about an hour there. I run and lift and bike and I leave feeling tired but incredibly fulfilled. Rather than just being upset, I'm doing something about it. I am taking my health and happiness in to my own hands and that feels amazing.

Parents' Halloweekend

This was a very busy weekend! Not only was it Halloween, but it was also Parents' Weekend and Homecoming Weekend. Halloween was on Friday, as you all know. The beginning part of my day was spent doing chemistry. It was super exciting. Then, my friends and I headed over to the first Homecoming hockey game. We were in the front of the students section right on the boards! It was awesome to be that close to the players, some of them are guys that live in my dorm which makes it that much cooler. At one point, our player checked a BC guy right in front of us. The boards shook and everyone was screaming. It was so, so cool. Unfortunately, we lost the game...but it was still fun to watch. After that, the night got pretty lame. My friends and I put on our Lady Gaga costumes and went out walking around. About an hour and a half later, we headed home because everything was pretty lame. Plus, I needed sleep because I was going to see Mom and Noni in the morning.

The next day when they arrived, I showed them my room and gave a little campus tour. Mom was here for move-in but now I actually know the campus so the tour went a lot better. Then I took them to Illegal Pete's which is the home of the best darn burritos and queso I've ever had in my life. There were some on campus activities as well, but as always food was the best part. We had tickets to an event called "Taste of DU" where there were 20 or so food vendors. I had a massive food baby after that, but it was totally worth it.

We all headed to Homecoming hockey game #2. Mom, Noni, and Ash sat in their spots while I headed over to the press box. My assignment for the week was to report on the hockey game and it was seriously wonderful. I love my job so much. Being in the student section is a little bit more fun, but it's cool to be in the press box too because it makes me feel so important. The worst part about the press box is that I can't scream and cheer so much. But when we scored a goal with 54 seconds left in overtime, I threw that unspoken rule away and screamed really loud. The best part of the game came afterwards when I took the hidden elevator down to the locker room. Unfortunately I wasn't able to go in, but I got to speak to the head coach in the hallway outside. I'm a dork so it was like meeting a celebrity. Seriously awesome.

I spent all of Sunday with my family and it was so nice to not even be thinking about school. We went to breakfast and to Wash Park which was very beautiful. After church, we went to this sports bar to watch my boys in action. The Steelers were facing off against the rival Ravens. Anyone that knows football knows that the Steelers-Ravens is the best and toughest rivalry in the NFL. The game was amazing and the Steelers played great. They look so good. And Ben broke another record by throwing another 6 touchdowns! I feel like a proud mama because my boys are playing so well. It also broke my heart that Troy hurt his knee but I'm sure he'll be better soon!

Parents' Halloweekend was definitely a success. I had fun with friends and fun with family. It's true when they say you don't know how much you miss something until it's gone. Being away from my family has made me miss them a lot. Even though it was a short visit, it was a huge blessing. I'll be back in Palatine for a month in a little over 2 weeks!