Most of the time, I am completely fine. 80% of the time I am completely happy and looking towards the future. 80% of the time, my past is in the past and I barely think about it. But then there are those moments where it all comes back and I just want to lay in the fetal position and feel bad for myself. One second I'll be so happy, just laughing with my new friends...and then the next second something reminds me and I fall to pieces on the inside. I see someone that looks just like him and I almost use the wrong name. I see some picture on Facebook and I'm just a complete disaster. Oh and if I watch that Air New Zealand hobbit-themed flight safety video again, someone better bring me a box of tissues because I will lose it. Yet, it is so frickin weird that as I am writing this, I feel perfectly fine. I'm not sad at all. Basically, emotions are just really strange. I work in a psychology lab that studies emotion and I still barely understand them.
I know I'll be fine...but, I'm still waiting for it to stop hurting. I'm getting impatient.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Rediscovering God
College is hard for many reasons. Obviously the classes are tough and taking care of yourself is tough too. Yet, one of the most difficult things I have been struggling with is staying true to myself. I am in a completely different place with completely different people and it is definitely safe to say that I have lost myself a bit. The details of this aren't really necessary. All you need to know is that I lost myself...and this past weekend I found myself again.
I had the privilege of going on the Catholic Student Fellowship retreat. I have been going to mass on campus since the first week I got here so I knew some of the people. Cordy, my roommate, always goes to mass with me so I had an instant friend in my faith. But aside from her, I didn't really have any friends that were passionate about Catholicism. It is much easier to keep your faith when you around other believers and it is easy to lose it when you are with nonbelievers. I was looking forward to this retreat for many reasons. One: I would be able to go spend a weekend in the beautiful mountains and see the amazing stars at night. Two: I would get to meet people that love God just as much as I do.
This retreat was everything I dreamed it would be and more. On the very first day, I had a great conversation with Father John, our Chaplain. I talked to him about everything that has been going on in my life, particularly the break-up that has been tearing me apart. Father John got on his knee, put his hand on my shoulder, and prayed a beautiful personal prayer for me. I think that was the moment I was brought back to God. The stupid mistakes I have made did not mean anything anymore. All that mattered was the promise I made to myself to make a change and that I realized that God is going to help me be the person I want to be. I had an overwhelming feeling that everything really would be okay afterwards.
Aside from getting my priorities back in check, the best thing about the retreat was the people that I met. From the amazing sophomore girls that lead CSF to our amazing President to the amazing Servants of Christ Jesus to all my new freshman friends, I met incredible people that I pray will stay a part of my life for a very long time to come. God puts people in our lives for a reason and I know these people weren't brought to me by accident. I started to lose my way and my new friends are bringing me back to where I need to be. I could not be more grateful to them for this.
It was so nice to take some time away from the busy, stressful campus life. In our day and a half retreat, an essay or a lab report or an article never even crossed my once. To be able to let everything else go and just focus on God and the people I was with was an incredible blessing. Since leaving Mt. Evans, I feel like I have been on a natural high that hasn't faded. I feel revitalized and just all around happier than I was before. It feels like this retreat is one of those memories that will go down as life changing. Blessed be God!
I had the privilege of going on the Catholic Student Fellowship retreat. I have been going to mass on campus since the first week I got here so I knew some of the people. Cordy, my roommate, always goes to mass with me so I had an instant friend in my faith. But aside from her, I didn't really have any friends that were passionate about Catholicism. It is much easier to keep your faith when you around other believers and it is easy to lose it when you are with nonbelievers. I was looking forward to this retreat for many reasons. One: I would be able to go spend a weekend in the beautiful mountains and see the amazing stars at night. Two: I would get to meet people that love God just as much as I do.
This retreat was everything I dreamed it would be and more. On the very first day, I had a great conversation with Father John, our Chaplain. I talked to him about everything that has been going on in my life, particularly the break-up that has been tearing me apart. Father John got on his knee, put his hand on my shoulder, and prayed a beautiful personal prayer for me. I think that was the moment I was brought back to God. The stupid mistakes I have made did not mean anything anymore. All that mattered was the promise I made to myself to make a change and that I realized that God is going to help me be the person I want to be. I had an overwhelming feeling that everything really would be okay afterwards.
Aside from getting my priorities back in check, the best thing about the retreat was the people that I met. From the amazing sophomore girls that lead CSF to our amazing President to the amazing Servants of Christ Jesus to all my new freshman friends, I met incredible people that I pray will stay a part of my life for a very long time to come. God puts people in our lives for a reason and I know these people weren't brought to me by accident. I started to lose my way and my new friends are bringing me back to where I need to be. I could not be more grateful to them for this.
It was so nice to take some time away from the busy, stressful campus life. In our day and a half retreat, an essay or a lab report or an article never even crossed my once. To be able to let everything else go and just focus on God and the people I was with was an incredible blessing. Since leaving Mt. Evans, I feel like I have been on a natural high that hasn't faded. I feel revitalized and just all around happier than I was before. It feels like this retreat is one of those memories that will go down as life changing. Blessed be God!
Monday, October 13, 2014
For Good
This past Saturday I had the absolute privilege to report on DU's first home rugby game of the season. Rugby has become one of my favorite sports, but 3 years ago I didn't know the first thing about it. I stood behind the guys bench surrounded by testosterone and typed away on my phone. My notes were full of rugby jargon: ruck, scrum, lineout, try, conversion...and on and on and on. Chances are, if a friend read my notes they would be completely confused with all the fancy terminology.
Covering this rugby game brought me back to a different time and place...back to when I was the biggest fan in the crowd cheering on my man's team. The fact that there was a South African man screaming "Austin! Austin!" at the DU game didn't help the flashbacks. I'm going to be honest with you guys, it made me very, very sad. I have been doing well but moments like these just bring the pain back like a tidal wave.
3 years ago, if someone had asked me what a scrum was I would have been incredibly confused. But now the term is something I am comfortable teaching others about. This just goes to show how one person can change you immensely. Rugby isn't the only thing that changed about me. When you're with someone for 2 and a half years and they become one of the biggest parts of your life, you will never be the same. That's just how it goes. It's crazy to think of how many things he introduced me to that I might not have loved otherwise. The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, Game of Thrones, rugby, SourceFed, Macklemore. The list goes on. These are all things I love now because I loved him then.
It is said that people come into your life and change you. I'm a different person now than I was 3 years ago. Many things have contributed to this and one of the things that changed me was my first love and everything he taught me. As my girl, Madi, always likes to quote: "Who can say if I have been changed for the better...but because I knew you I have been changed for good."
I'm just lucky that I got Frodo, Tyrion, and the Haka out of the deal.
Covering this rugby game brought me back to a different time and place...back to when I was the biggest fan in the crowd cheering on my man's team. The fact that there was a South African man screaming "Austin! Austin!" at the DU game didn't help the flashbacks. I'm going to be honest with you guys, it made me very, very sad. I have been doing well but moments like these just bring the pain back like a tidal wave.
3 years ago, if someone had asked me what a scrum was I would have been incredibly confused. But now the term is something I am comfortable teaching others about. This just goes to show how one person can change you immensely. Rugby isn't the only thing that changed about me. When you're with someone for 2 and a half years and they become one of the biggest parts of your life, you will never be the same. That's just how it goes. It's crazy to think of how many things he introduced me to that I might not have loved otherwise. The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, Game of Thrones, rugby, SourceFed, Macklemore. The list goes on. These are all things I love now because I loved him then.
It is said that people come into your life and change you. I'm a different person now than I was 3 years ago. Many things have contributed to this and one of the things that changed me was my first love and everything he taught me. As my girl, Madi, always likes to quote: "Who can say if I have been changed for the better...but because I knew you I have been changed for good."
I'm just lucky that I got Frodo, Tyrion, and the Haka out of the deal.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Down with the Sickness
I knew it was going to happen at some point...but I hoped that it wouldn't. I have officially caught my first college cold. I don't actually have any idea what it is. Maybe it's allergies. Maybe it's a cold. Maybe it's ebola. I have no idea. Let's just say that I feel pretty crappy. I've tried lots of things to make it better. I've taken Zyrtec allergy medicine. I've had tea. I've had cough drops. I've had DayQuil and NyQuil. My roommate gave me Vicks sticky stuff to put under my nose and some weird throat soothing syrup stuff that tasted absolutely awful. I can kind of breathe out of my nose now so maybe we're making progress. The worst part about this whole thing is that I don't have my mommy here to rub my back. Yeah I'm an "adult" now but a mom is the best thing to have around when you're sick. When I'm sick again 10 years from now I guarantee that I'll want my mommy to take care of me. That's just how it goes. Well I'm going to go back to laying down with a pillow over my face because reading about WWI while I have a pounding headache just isn't going to happen.
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