My levels of stress have been insanely high these last few weeks. It might be a record. I am always running, just not at the gym because I don't have time for that anymore. 3 days a week I am out of my dorm from 7:30 am until at least 6:00pm. I am taking Organic Chemistry and University Physics, also known as the hardest classes I have ever taken before. Not to mention my two other classes that I have basically been neglecting in the name of science. I have more homework and studying to do than ever before. I'm still volunteering in that psychology lab and I'm still writing for the school paper. I'm averaging 6 hours of sleep a night. 6 hours for a girl that is in love with sleep and has consistently had at least 8 hours a night for the majority of her life.
Then there's the trying to enjoy myself part of life, which is becoming less and less with every day. The first weekend back, I was able to go skiing, but last weekend I had to tell my friend no even though there was nothing I would love more. Winter Carnival at Keystone is next weekend, but right now I don't even know how I am possibly going to be able to enjoy myself. The entire time I will probably just be thinking about all the physics and chemistry I should be doing instead. To top it all off, there are so many adorable boys at this school which are nothing but a distraction, but I can't really help myself.
There have been so many moments in these last two weeks where I have questioned what I am even doing. I feel hopeless most of the time because I start to think I'm not even good at science. Plus, if this is difficult then med school is going to kick my ass. If I had $1 for every time I wished that my classes were easier or $1 for every time I wished that I had just been a Journalism major instead because it would be so much easier, this education would be almost paid off by now.
Honestly, it feels like I'm drowning. I've never been this challenged in my life and I have never been this exhausted either. Usually if I study for a test all weekend (like I did for OChem) then an A is basically guaranteed...apparently things don't work like this anymore.
To top it all off, I totally freak myself out. I haven't even received my graded OChem test yet and I haven't even taken the physics one yet, but I've just convinced myself that it's going to be hard so I'm going to fail and I won't get As in my science class and my GPA will tank and then I won't get into med school and I'll live on the street, because obviously anyone that isn't a doctor is poor. I fully recognize that I make things way worse for myself when I have a bad attitude like this.
For the next days, weeks, months, years, I just have to think about what is immediately happening. Getting caught up worrying about med school 3 years from now is just making me paranoid. I've got to slow down.
Breathe. Work. Power through.
Even better, I know exactly what they are trying to do. OChem and physics are supposed to be hard and painful and ego destroying. Most people aren't supposed to make it through these courses. They're designed to scare people and knock people out. If it was easy, then everyone would do it. I'm not going to be scared off that easily.
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